When the Christmas season arrives, many expats join gatherings with friends and acquaintances from social media, expat groups, and events.
Whilst these occasions are a chance to connect, narcissists are often drawn to them like moths to a flame.
Those who greet you with exaggerated warmth, send overly affectionate messages from day one, or suddenly treat you like lifelong family may not be genuine.
The CPTSD Connection: Why You're Vulnerable
If you experienced narcissistic abuse in childhood—whether from a parent with narcissistic traits, borderline tendencies, antisocial behaviour, or psychopathy—you carry unresolved Complex PTSD. This makes you particularly susceptible to narcissistic "friends" and partners.
Your nervous system learned early to link love with pain, anxiety, and depression. These wounds make you a people-pleaser, self-sacrificing, and desperate for approval—exactly what narcissists exploit to control you. You gravitate towards anxiety disguised as excitement because it feels familiar—but that familiarity is CPTSD. What feels like "instant connection" is often your trauma speaking.
Childhood conditioned you to believe that love meant enduring mistreatment and that belonging required self-sacrifice. So when a narcissistic "friend" appears warm and attentive, your mind thinks you have finally found your tribe.
How They Enter Your Life
You meet this person and feel an instant connection. They shower you with affection, praise, and attention, mirroring your interests, values, and experiences so closely that you feel uniquely understood. Excessive praise, early gifts, and relentless attention make you feel chosen—but it's all carefully engineered to gain your trust.
When you are alone, something shifts—a hollow, draining feeling, as if you've been stripped bare from talking too much, yet learned nothing about them. Narcissists don't talk about themselves; instead, they use nods, agreement, and laughter to keep you talking. They ask intimate questions that feel odd, but you "trust" them and respond. They give undivided attention—no blinking, no interruptions, unwavering eye contact—even maintaining silence when you stop talking, making you continue. They aren't genuinely interested; they're collecting data—your emotions, fears, and insecurities. Every detail you share about your vulnerabilities, family, or personal struggles can be used against you.
If you have this gut feeling about this friend, follow it. If you feel uncomfortable enough to step back, avoid the loop of overthinking and self-judgement. You are not the problem; you don't need to be "good enough," and you don't have to work on the relationship to make it better. That is your CPTSD speaking—the echo of your gaslighting history. The truth is, you are right about what is happening. Don't worry about what others say, and don't explain yourself to a narcissist—ever. Disappear, block them. Or, if you want to test them, set boundaries: contradict them, withhold praise, say no a few times, and withdraw your opinions, and you'll see your narcissistic friend mistreat you; if you don't engage, they will disappear in seconds. Rumours and gossip will follow for sure, but those who participate are people you don't want around anyway.
But if you consider a friendship—thinking love will heal them, or believing you can change them through effort and sacrifice—you've been swept off your feet! The friendship leads to constant cycles of emotional turbulence: psychological abuse aimed at regaining the affection now withdrawn from you, which keeps you attached to the idea that you need to fix the friendship. But no—that is not fixable; it is the power dynamic, the asymmetric relationship the narcissist needs to control you, through which this narcissistic friend can erode all of your relationships, your financial stability, and your family ties, as your role as their emotional supply takes precedence over everything else.
How They Create Dependency and Exploit You
They are chameleons, positioning themselves according to your character. If you are depressed, they appear as a saviour. If you are task-oriented, they appear fragile. If you are people-driven, they appear as victims. If you are insecure, they appear commanding—the exact opposite of your CPTSD wound.
For instance, when they say, "I need to buy something and don't know where," your trauma-bonded tendency to help kicks in. You offer solutions and volunteer your time. You agree to meet, but your friend arrives late, changes plans, or turns your day into a marathon—with unexpected stops, requests for money, your car, or even helping others—taking you for granted. Now, favours turn into obligations, and your sense of emotional debt becomes the lever they use to control you.
At their home, you may have noticed it is overall dirty—a place where you feel the need to wash a mug before making coffee. They will make excuses and blame others, and soon you find yourself doing the dishes, tidying, and cleaning because of the emotional debt. They remain seated, waiting to be served, whilst you—conditioned by trauma to earn love through service—clean their home.
Similarly, when they visit yours, you serve them whilst your friend remains seated, never reciprocating basic camaraderie. If you have children, they make passive-aggressive comments about their behaviour, manners, or noise. If you don't set boundaries immediately, they escalate—making you feel ashamed of your children, your parenting, and your home.
You Are Invisible
With a narcissistic friend, you serve as a backdrop. They control the room, dress to impress, and scan everyone around, directing attention to themselves. When you speak, they ignore you, don't follow the conversation, and avoid eye contact. You become invisible—your value exists only in what your presence signals to them: status, connections, education, and more.
Narcissists have no interest in conversation or ideas. Try discussing a book, current affairs, or personal insights, and they respond dismissively, deflecting attention back to themselves with excuses or irrelevant remarks. Persist, and they may see you as a threat to their carefully constructed image.
Christmas presents and gifts are also used to control. They might be extravagantly expensive, designed to show off to others that you are supposedly an "ultimate friend," even if they've only known you briefly. Or they can be subtly insulting—a mosquito-repellent candle instead of a scented one, or exercise equipment when you're self-conscious. The point is the asymmetry: they give to control, whilst anything you offer holds no value to them, regardless of thought or cost.
Another layer of manipulation is their religious performer persona. Your narcissistic "friend" constantly references God—"Thank God," "God works wonders," "let's pray for your health." They tithe, attend mass, volunteer, and showcase their spiritual depth and generosity. This creates an aura of trustworthiness, making you doubt your instincts. During Christmas—a season rich with spiritual meaning—this manipulation intensifies guilt and shame, pressuring you to "keep the peace" and question your right to set boundaries or address mistreatment.
Through attention control, conversational undermining, gift manipulation, and displays of spiritual authority, your narcissistic friend reinforces your invisibility. You are present, but your value is measured solely by what serves their image and control.
The Invisible Puppet Master
Triangulation is a narcissist's favourite way to divide and control. Imagine having Christmas coffee and shifting your attention to a guest after discovering something in common. Now, your narcissistic friend, who cannot engage in social interactions or conversations, becomes enraged because you were invited as a backdrop for them, but you have captured attention as the smart and funny one. In their mind, you are a threat, and they need to regain control by making up an excuse to leave whilst concealing their emotional tantrum, so now you feel compelled to leave as well. Later, the consequences appear. They recruit a third person, framing you as the "problem" without ever confronting you directly. Soon, this person approaches you with hostility about your "rude" or "inappropriate" behaviour. You're left confused and defensive, whilst your narcissistic friend watches from the sidelines, having successfully turned someone against you without getting their hands dirty.
In triangulation, both you and the third person are manipulated—just in different ways. The third person becomes the "soldier," often trauma-bonded, convinced they are protecting the narcissist from your supposed wrongdoing. Meanwhile, you are left to absorb the punishment: humiliation, mistreatment, isolation, and criticism. The narcissist is always the victim, never the aggressor. They poison your relationships and undermine your reputation. You, too, are used as a soldier whenever they see fit.
They fabricate stories spontaneously and rewrite reality when challenged. When you confront them, they employ DARVO: first, Denial—"That never happened." When that fails, Attack—"You're too sensitive; you've always been dramatic." Then Reversal: suddenly, they're the Victim of your "accusations." You came seeking acknowledgement but leave apologising.
Over time, this smear campaign spreads into every corner of your life. They insert themselves into your family, your friendships, your children's world, and your workplace—anyone who cares about you becomes a target. They charm them with gifts, stories, and false intimacy. They present themselves as the thoughtful one, the caring one, the one who "really understands." Slowly, those who once supported you begin turning towards them instead.
It isn't about love or connection—it's about competition. They want your children to adore them more than you. They want your partner to trust them more than you. They want to be the centre of every universe you belong to. If you and your partner break up, they may remain close to your ex—gathering information, weaponising what you once shared in confidence, keeping you tethered to them through fear and uncertainty.
The Psychological Toll
The psychological toll of narcissistic abuse is Complex Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (CPTSD). Life becomes dominated by anxiety, panic attacks, severe depression, and fear of forming new relationships or bonds. You self-isolate in search of safety, silence, and calm, hiding from potential danger. Your body and mind operate in fight, flight, freeze, fawn, or flop modes.
CPTSD distorts your perception. You see threats everywhere, reacting instinctively instead of responding thoughtfully. Living in survival mode takes your attention away from your children, partner, or loved ones because you feel the need to control and fix everything to avoid unseen dangers. You crave safety, but life becomes a relentless battle. Procrastination, wandering thoughts, and self-doubt become constant companions. Fear of criticism, shame, or pain prevents you from acting. You feel detached to avoid pain, unreachable to avoid connections. The worst part: the subtle, continuous abuse is hard to trace, so you blame yourself for not measuring up—to others and to your own expectations.
Make Yourself a Christmas Present
This Christmas, protect your heart as fiercely as you protect others. You deserve connections where you are valued, cherished, and truly seen—relationships built on trust and mutual give-and-take. You deserve safety, nourishment, and joy.
Celebrate yourself: enjoy your favourite meal, raise a toast to the wonders your future holds, and honour yourself for how far you have come. The narcissist at your Christmas gathering does not get to steal your heart or soul—not this year.
The awareness and understanding you've gained from reading this are your shield. Use it.
Happy Christmas!
Lorena Olea-Bouchat is a psychologist with 20 years of experience across Europe and South America, specialising in depression, anxiety, and complex trauma in expat communities. She is the founder of Human Psychology Institute (London) and Psychology in a New Era (Portugal), working online worldwide.
Contact:
Email: psychology.in.a.new.era@gmail.com
Website: https://psychologyinanewera.carrd.co/
Photos by Unsplash
