How To Break Up From A Long-Term Relationship

Instigating a breakup is rarely ever easy. When it comes to ending a long-term relationship, it can be particularly difficult to take the plunge. 

Because your lives are likely to be heavily intertwined, the breakup is likely to be much more disruptive. There could be many things preventing you from taking the decision such as fear of your partner’s reaction, the fear of living alone, the big changes you may have to make to your lifestyle and the sacrifices you may have to make to adjust to these changes. However, you need to consider the alternative: is it worth living the rest of your life in an unhappy relationship?

If you’re certain that you no longer want to be with your partner, then you need to commit to the breakup. Your negative feelings towards your partner will only increase if you stay with them and you’ll constantly think about what you could have done with your life had you broken up earlier. The breakup process will be difficult, but the sense of liberation will ultimately make it worthwhile - allowing you to pursue other love interests or simply enjoy single life. 

But just how do you start the breakup process? And what should you expect as the breakup unfolds? Because every relationship is different, every breakup is likely to be different, but there are a few key principles that you can follow in most cases. This post outlines exactly how to break up from a long-term relationship and the various steps you’ll need to take.

1. Make sure you are certain about breaking up

The first step is to make sure you are certain about your decision. Breaking up a long term relationship shouldn’t be something you do in the heat of the moment after a small argument. It’s better to wait until you are calm and collected to decide whether it’s truly what you want to do.

Identify the reasons why you want to break up and consider whether you have addressed them and made efforts to correct them. If you’ve already given a partner multiple chances to change and they haven’t done so - this is a good sign you are ready to break up. Of course, you don’t always have to give a partner a chance if you feel they’ve done something unforgivable (such as abuse or infidelity). Nonetheless, you should give yourself time to process what they have done before breaking up.

2. Choose a suitable time and place

The time and place is important to consider. A breakup should ideally be done in private somewhere with no family or friends present or involved. A public place is not recommended as you don’t want onlookers or distractions. You should avoid significant dates like birthdays or anniversaries. A routine weekday evening when the two of you have nothing planned may be the best time to arrange a break up.

It could be worth warning your partner in advance by text or phone call telling them that you ‘need to talk about something important’. This can help them mentally prepare for something serious. If things have been rocky between you, they may even guess what you are going to say, which may reduce some of the shock. 

3. Consider packing in advance and arranging temporary living arrangements

It’s impossible to know how someone will react, but you will likely both need some space to come to terms with it. As a result, it could be worth packing your bags and arranging some temporary living arrangements in advance. Doing this also shows that you’ve made up your mind and allows you to make a quick exit if they’re the type of person to react violently.

As you are instigating the breakup, it is polite that you are the one to temporarily move out. However, if your partner has done something serious and unforgivable, you may feel that you are in your right to demand that they move out. You can help pack their bags and find them somewhere to stay, so long as they are likely to be co-operative. 

4. Be honest, direct and decisive

When announcing that you want to break up, you need to be honest with your reason for breaking up so that they understand why the relationship is ending. Try to keep things short and direct. It’s also important to show no signs that you may be reconsidering your decision - do not tell them you still love them or that you wish things could be different, as it could give mixed messages and make them believe that they can change your mind.

When wording your breakup speech, try to use the word ‘I’ when giving your reasons rather than ‘you’ - as this can make it feel less accusatory and defensive. Reiterate that you’ve given them chances and you are not willing to provide any more chances. 

5. Allow your partner to respond

There are various ways in which your partner may respond. They may be shocked, angry, angry or may even agree that it’s for the best. It’s important that you let them respond and don’t immediately leave. Allow a conversation in which you validate their emotions, but refuse to enter an argument. If they change your mind, firmly respond that you’ve made your decision.

Your partner may accept it there and then. If they don’t and keep begging you to change your mind, you may have to take the decision to leave so that they understand it is not negotiable. It is likely to be very emotionally difficult for you and your partner, but you should try to remain strong and be firm with your decision. 

6. Work out when to discuss logistics

A breakup comes with lots of logistics. If you live together, you need to consider what will happen to your home - will one of you continue living there, or will you both need to move out? You will also need to divide your possessions and consider what to do with any shared bank or streaming accounts. If you have kids or pets together, you will also need to work out who will be the primary carer and what financial assistance to provide. If you’re married, you’ll also need to consider whether divorce or separation is the best option.

You probably don’t want to discuss all of this immediately after you tell your partner you’re breaking up, so consider arranging a date to meet up and discuss it. This could be the day after or a week after if you think you could both benefit from more time apart to come to terms with the breakup. If you have kids together, you may feel it’s better to tackle the matter sooner rather than later. If you don’t want to physically meet up, a phone call may be better.

7. Determine the rules of contact

You will need to establish some boundaries. It could be important that your partner is able to ring you or text you at any time if you have kids together or need to discuss imminent events or plans. At the same time, you don’t want your partner calling you up to woo you back. As a result, establish exactly which topics are okay to discuss over the phone. 

An alternative option could be to have them communicate through someone else. This should not be a child - a reliable adult friend or family member is a better choice. This allows you to distance yourself from them, but also allows important messages to get through. If your partner is dangerous and you are worried about your safety, you may want to consider cutting off all contact (you may have to take the kids with you if you feel they are a danger) and not telling them where you are staying. You can then discuss logistics through a third party such as a friend, family member or lawyer.  

8. Confide in close friends and family

It’s very important to confide in friends and family after a breakup. You will need someone to share all your thoughts and feelings with. This needs to be someone who will side with you (i.e. not one of their family members or friends). 

Make sure you avoid involving family and friends in any decision making regarding the breakup. It is between you and your partner to decide what happens with your property, kids and finances. If your partner is communicating through your friends and family, make sure that they are not responding on your behalf.

9. Stay positive and focus on moving forward

The stress of the breakup may cause you to feel down. You may even start to have some regrets and question whether it was really for the best. However, you need to remind yourself of why you broke up and the positive impact it can have on your life. 

Focus on moving forwards by immersing in activities that help you to rediscover yourself. Spend time socialising with friends, dedicate more time to hobbies and take up new goals. Throwing yourself into a new relationship may not be the best idea and you should ideally avoid sleeping with anyone new straight away. It’s better to give yourself time to enjoy single life and the freedoms that come with it. You can then approach any future relationship as something new and fresh instead of carrying over feelings and expectations from your previous relationship.