I decided to write this eBook to help you if you’re moving to a new country. You see, I have moved around a lot. I've been an expat for over 40 years. I've had great transitions when I felt could navigate smoothly in the new culture. But I must admit that many of my cultural transitions have been painful and difficult.
Sometimes adjusting to a new culture, new people, new environments seemed like an insurmountable task.
Over the years, I have learned from my personal experiences, from my Master's in Intercultural Psychology, and from my clients. Knowing what the most common challenges are, I decided to create this eBook to help you tackle some of these issues:
- How to manage the loneliness and having to make new friends
- How to deal with the guilt of leaving friends and family behind
- What really is culture shock and how to get through it
I had all these issues too! I figured out ways to deal with these challenges and I have been helping my clients navigate smoothly in cultural transitions for over 5 years.
I hope this eBook is helpful for you in your international journey - whether you are still preparing, or you have already made the move.
Part 1
Do you feel the guilt?
Carol came in and sat down quickly. She wiped away some drops of rain from her coat and leaned back on the couch. She was looking down and seemed unable or unwilling to look up. When I asked her how she was, she muttered: “I’m OK.”
She clearly was many things, except OK. After a few moments and a sip of water, she began telling me why she was not OK. “I should be happy. I’m here in this wonderful place, it was always my dream to live abroad. I have the job of my dreams. Today I talked to my sister and she’s getting married.
I waited for a few seconds to understand the connection between her not feeling happy and her sister’s wedding. “She’s my baby sister and I have always wanted to see her get married, choose the wedding dress with her…” Suddenly I could see her eyes watering: “But I can’t make it. It’s a long flight and I’ve just started this project. I can’t take a whole week off.” Once she was able to convey this information, I asked her: “How do you feel about missing your sister’s wedding?” “I feel… well, I guess I feel guilty I can’t be with her.” There it is: GUILT. Kudos for Carol and being able say it out loud. Many of us suffer with it and we’re not even able to name it.
From the outside, expat life is glamorous and a constant adventure. Days are filled with excitement, exotic food and drink, and international friends. From the inside, expat life many times is quite different: it can be missing important days like family member's or friend’s weddings and birthdays. It’s not being able to make it home if a family member gets sick. The guilt is real, and it creeps up unannounced. When you least expect it, you start to feel uneasy and restless. People have different ways of dealing with guilt, but I think we can all agree it’s a very unpleasant feeling. When you’re an expat, you are often outside of your comfort zone and maybe more prone to these feelings. Here are some tips to deal with this nagging and uncomfortable feeling.
ACKNOWLEDGE IT’S THERE & NAME IT
To deal with something, we must acknowledge it. If Carol had not come to see me, she may have spent weeks with this nagging feeling without really knowing what it really was. I asked her questions that led her to name it. Once you know you’re feeling guilty you can start looking into the reasons why and take action.
ENGAGE WITH OTHER EXPATS
Many of these feelings are common among expats because we have similar experiences. We are away from our comfort zone, many times struggling with communication and language, dealing with loneliness, and adjusting to new ways of doing things. These challenging feelings can get all mixed up and talking to our friends and family back home might not be so effective. Connecting with other expats who are going through similar situations can give you a sense of perspective that is crucial.
USE TECHNOLOGY TO YOUR ADVANTAGE
If a family member is sick, talk to them frequently - use zoom, WhatsApp, social media... If feasible, schedule a visit sometime soon. Send them gifts and pictures. Make it a habit to talk to them as often as possible so, even with the distance, you feel close. If it’s a birthday or wedding you have to miss, as Carol did, ask them to connect during the ceremony or party. With a video call, you can even give a toast and speech during the party.
WHAT DID CAROL DO?
Carol decided she was not going to be consumed with the guilt and she came up with a plan: twice a week she met her sister online with pictures of everything: dresses, decorations, flowers, cake design, you name it. They shared the decision making, the challenges and the accomplishments.
During the dress fittings, Carol and her sister Facetimed and she gave all her opinions about the wedding. She even opened a bottle of champagne and drank a glass of bubbly during the toasts while she saw the ceremony on zoom.
After the wedding, I talked to Carol and asked her about the experience.
“Well, of course, it’s not the same as being there. But I was with my sister for the decisions and I felt I was part of the process. The most important thing is I didn’t fall hostage to the guilt.”
Feeling guilty is normal and it will happen if we’re far away from our loved ones. But falling hostage to guilt is a choice and there are ways to deal with it that will give you the chance to be present and still follow your international dreams.
Click here to receive the complete Move Overseas With Ease E-book for FREE.
For regular tips and ideas to deal with issues that are relevant to the international experience, subscribe to, or just visit my YouTube channel https://www.youtube.com/deborahdahab, where I upload a new video full of advice every two weeks.
About me
I am an expat coach and intercultural psychologist. I am also a seasoned expat, born in Brazil, and lived my childhood in the United States.
Throughout the years I have lived, studied, and worked in 5 different countries on 3 continents. In my many moves, I have experienced successful transitions and many more complete failures. My own experience, coupled with my observation of other people’s experiences, motivated me to search for answers as to why do we sometimes fail and how to succeed when moving to a new culture. This quest led me to pursue a Master's in Intercultural Psychology and complete a coaching certification and a practitioner certification in NLP.
With these tools in hand, I found myself equipped to help expats and expats-to-be overcome the challenges of moving so they can create their best life abroad.
For more about me visit www.deborahdahab.com or GET IN TOUCH HERE.
